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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ode to Idli

With the world at his feet
Never seeing defeat
Alexander was still
Hungry for his fill

For his heartfelt desire
Was the everlasting fire
From the land that that day
Beyond the Indus lay.

'Twas an age-long fight
'Twixt the dark and the light
Then the two joined hands
Devas and Asuras of all lands:

"For the rope a serpent,
Mount on turtle suspend,
Let us all churn the sea:
relish immortality."

It was an apple they say
That made Newton's day
But the reason instead
Was the breakfast he'd had.

For the world that we know
Has been created just so
By the hidden energy
That is Mary's Idli.

जिसने मेरी के हाथ की इड्ली नहीं खायी उसका जीवन ही अधूरा है।

New Delhi
November 2011

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Ask A Stupid Question...

Can you cry under water?

No. Crying is brought about by excess of emotion, emotions are brought about by hormones and water dilutes the hormones so you don't even need to cry under water. As an experiment, try drinking 7 litres of water and then thinking of something sad -- you will find that you are completely unable to cry (you may have other side-effects, but what's a small burst bladder in the interests of science?)

Do fish ever get thirsty?

Only sea fish, since we know salt makes you thirsty. The worst affected of these are salmon, who have to travel back to the river of their birth when they get excessively thirsty. (Note: ill-informed so-called experts have called this the spawning instinct, but we can now reveal that the true reason for those salmon climbing waterfalls etc. is for them to get a good gulp of plain, unsalted water, preferably with a spot of single-malt mixed into it).

Why don't birds fall of trees when they sleep?

Birds feed on large quantities of cannabis indica (bhang to non-botanists) just before the sun sets and spend the night stoned out of their wits. They have special locks in their feet to anchor them to branches, because the little buggers are so high on THC they tend to float away murmuring "good shit man, peace!" if they forget to hold on.

When they say dog food is new and improved in taste, who tastes it?

Sniffer dogs at airports, etc. are trained on dog foods, and not released for explosive and drug sniffing duty until they can distinguish precise amounts of protein, salts, fat, carbohydrates, preservatives and permitted colours and flavours in various dog foods. For their final test they have to be able to distinguish between wines of the same vintage from the same vineyard, one grown on the south side of the hill and the other on the north side.

Every good epicure and food critic you see on TV or read is really a dog in disguise.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Banks belong to the family Cervidae Ruminantia (as do deer, moose, etc.) and are among the most prolific of the family. Species of banks can be seen in the wild on every continent (including Antarctica) and Explorer has sent back blurry photos of creatures on Mars that could very well be Martian banks.

In civilised lands, banks are generally considered a menace to agriculture (and other forms of culture) and are fair game during the open season. However, most countries have laws about hunting young banks -- you have to wait for them to grow into unstoppable behemoths before you can shoot them. For this, the standard count is the number of branches on their antlers -- a bank with more than 200 branches on its antlers is considered mature and hence huntable.

Buy a rifle and rid the world of the bank menace today!

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

The great mathematician Pizzagoras first tried to square the circle, and all pizzas since that day come in square boxes in homage to his efforts. We must remember that, while Pizzagoras was Greek and could only make feta cheese pizzas overlaid with tons of olives, the Roman civilisation that followed expanded on his works and refined the pizza into the form that we love today. They also attempted to square, among other things, the Big Bang, Mandelbrot fractals (though Mandelbrot was only born some 2000 years later) and the common Anopheles mosquito. What a bunch of jerks!

Why doesn't glue stick to its bottle?

Glue bottles are made of condensed water, and as we all know, water dissolves glue. The structure and constitution of glue bottles thus serves a dual purpose: keeps the glue flowing smoothly, and prevents it from sticking to its container.

For further information please see our article on our revolutionary new invention, Water Powder. Just add water and you have... Voila! Water!

'I Love You' is not a question, then why does it need an answer

Looking into the history of the statement "I love you", you will find that it is a derivation of the famous question "Et tu, Brute?" to which, of course, Brutus replied "You bet your ass, Julius, and here's my stab with the knife to prove it." So even if you aren't asking it as a question today, be prepared for the stab in the back once you have said it to someone, since that is the only logical progression from that point onwards.

We hope you enjoyed our brief moments with science, history, etymology and fun facts. Do continue to visit for help with your homework, career, Kaun Banega Borepati and love life -- we guarantee absolute and abysmal, but still spectacular failure in every field of endeavour!

New Delhi
November 2011